And your next president will be...

That's right. John McCain. This time, however, I can't just blame it on the Democratic penchant for self-destruction. As a matter of fact, I'm beginning to think the alleged self-destructive tendencies of the Democratic Party always had quite a bit of outside help -- and this time around, the Democrats couldn't possibly have done it on their own.

Some will call the following analysis a "conspiracy theory," but to me it's just another chapter in the ongoing saga entitled, "How to Buy an Election." There are a few new wrinkles, and the cost of buying the upcoming presidency will be higher than the cost of previous presidencies, but hell -- thanks to the policies of the Bush years, the buyers are much better able to afford it than ever before. Okay, so let's follow the money.

The first thing that catches your attention is that most of the money, this time around, went into the Democratic primaries and caucuses. The next thing you notice is that a very big chunk of it went to... excuse me, but am I seeing this correctly?... Barack Obama!

So who the hell is Obama? Well, he delivered a lovely, inspiring speech at the last Democratic convention. Apart from that, though, what has he done? Answer: he defeated Alan Keyes for an Illinois Senate seat. And how did Alan Keyes, designated loser and "black friend" of the Republican Party, get the nomination?

Well, it seems that Jack Ryan, the original Republican candidate, found himself embroiled in a sex scandal. No Republican with any real political ambitions wanted to step into Ryan's sleazy shoes, so Alan Keyes (who actually lived in Maryland at the time) came to the rescue. Hooray, Obama! What a stunning victory!

The logical next step, of course, would be for Obama to run for President. (I can't be the only one to notice the craziness of this particular sequence of events, can I?) When the results of the "money primary" came in, well ahead of the Iowa caucuses, all the media said the Democratic contest was between Hillary and Barack. John Edwards, the southern white man championing traditional populist Democratic values, was discounted from the start. Stop and think about that. All the big money, and all the media coverage, went to the woman and the black guy.

Meanwhile, back in the Republican Party, the biggest bunch of weenies in the electoral history of the United States (even Alan Keyes!) all were (1) trying to look like Ronald Reagan, while (2) distancing themselves from the gloriously unpopular George W. Bush, while (3) endorsing every program that made Bush unpopular.

The only one of them who conceivably could beat Hillary in a general election was the alleged "maverick," John McCain, who draws independent voters. His only problem was the Republican base: the talk-radio fascists attacked him for his failure to support the patriotic persecution of Latinos, and the Christian right attacked him for his failure to protect frozen embryos from stem cell research (ignoring his consistent opposition to abortion.)

Fortunately for McCain, though, he got to compete in plenty of open primaries, where the Republican base vote is diluted. It helped even more that Mitt Romney carried the taints of both Massachusetts liberalism and Mormonism. Even Rush Limbaugh couldn't help Romney. Hey, but what about those Huckabee voters in the south? Will they come out for McCain?

That brings us back to Obama. While the "social conservatives" of the southlands might not be too enthusiastic about McCain, you can count on them to come out against that uppity nigra with the terrorist-sounding name. The same thing is true of plenty of working-class white voters -- the "Reagan Democrats" who currently lean towards Hillary Clinton.

When Hillary won the New Hampshire primary and split Super Tuesday with Obama, a huge infusion of cash suddenly appeared in the Obama coffers. At the same time, Clinton found it necessary to lend her campaign $5 million of her own money. It seems very unlikely that any significant portion of the Obama contributions came from college students sacrificing their beer money. An Obama candidacy is the best guarantee of a McCain victory in November, and a McCain presidency is the best thing that could happen for corporate America. You do the math.

McCain now says he will make the Bush tax cuts for the super-rich permanent, even though he voted against them when they first were proposed. His support for the Bush immigration bill is certainly pro-business, since it will establish a 21st century bracero program -- create a pool of low-paid temporary foreign workers to depress wages and deter unionization in both agriculture and the service sector. Universal health coverage, of course, will be off the table.

And so, in conclusion, it looks like the Democrats are screwed again -- unless Hillary Clinton somehow can win the nomination without driving the Obama cultists into the arms of John McCain.

"But, wait," you may innocently insist, "Obama can win! America is ready for a post-racial, post-partisan president! Oh, ye of little faith!"

Indeed. Me of little faith. Every Republican success since the election of Richard Nixon has been grounded in an appeal to racism. America may be a little less racist now than it was in the past, but it hasn't changed that much -- and the Republican attack machine is ready. For a hint of what is to come, check out Sean Hannity's interview of the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Obama's pastor and adviser. If you think the swift-boaters did a job on Kerry, you ain't seen nothing yet!