House Call

I had a somewhat surreal experience this morning — a visit from a Republican canvasser. She seemed to think she was talking to a loyal supporter, presumably not recognizing the yard sign for our local Democratic Congressional candidate on my lawn. She wanted to know if she could count on me to vote a straight Republican line next month.

It was a bit early in the morning for me. I was awake, but my hair still was a rat's nest, and I was wearing the previous day's t-shirt and boxer shorts. For the first couple of hours after I wake up, I would appear perfectly at home at the front door of a singlewide trailer up the hill from the Wal-Mart in Slagheap, West Virginia. Disregarding appearances, though, I'd had my coffee. I said, "What?"

It seems my address was on her list, or so she maintained. Mind you, my address is single-digit, so she could have counted up to it on her fingers.

"Why," I asked, "would I vote Republican? I'm not rich. I'm not born again. And I'm not an idiot. It's not like I'm all that fond of the Democrats, but, honestly, why would I vote against my own interests? If you're not very rich or very socially conservative, the Republicans have nothing to offer. I know the Democrats are not a hell of a lot better, but for anybody with a few brain cells still working, the choice is pretty obvious."

"Obama," she replied, "is a socialist.

"Obama? A socialist? He's not even a liberal. I'm a socialist. Obama is just Bill Clinton in blackface!"

(I can't resist the "Bill Clinton in blackface" line, even though it can be construed as racist. Does that make me a racist? I don't think so. I supported Jesse Jackson back in the day.

"In the meanwhile," I told my canvasser, "just go away."

"Well, then," she replied, "I hope I can count on you on November 8th."

She turned to go. Arcing across the seat of her stretch pants, in a fairly large font with no abbreviations, it said ABERCROMBIE. It takes quite an ass to accommodate that much print

I have no idea how the Great American Electorate will behave on Election Day, but I hope enough of them will behave well enough to keep the asses from gaining control. Mind you, I don't have a hell of a lot of hope.

Aaagghh!